The Long (But Short) Story of Peter Crouch

Perhaps it was the transfer tug-of-war that gave Peter Crouch his Gumby-like appearance, but it’s far more likely to be the cause of genes.

Having been transfered to two separate clubs on two separate occasions each, Peter Crouch has an unusual footballing CV.

That sentence definitely didn’t make sense, so let’s take it back a bit.

Talking giant toothpick Peter Crouch began his sporting career in the Tottenham youth system in the 90’s, but never made an appearance for Spurs. He then moved to QPR but didn’t last long at Loftus Road, as Portsmouth offered £1.5m for his services as the lankiest striker who has ever lived.

A few short spells at clubs like Aston Villa, Norwich, Southampton and Liverpool saw little success, including coming up just short in the 2007 Champions League Final with Liverpool. Not a lot of silverware for this guy, but teams still wanted him – not for very long, but at least two wanted seconds.

In 2008, Harry Redknapp rang and paired him with former Spurs striker Jermaine Defoe (who would eventually go back to Spurs) at Portsmouth, his second and final spell at Fratton Park. The deal was worth £11m, a considerable sum, but Crouch stayed for just one year, following Redknapp (and Defoe) back to White Hart Lane in 2009. This move was worth £10m, so Portsmouth got screwed out of a precious million pounds, as if they weren’t facing money issues already.

All legs and no loyalty.

In 2011 Crouchy made his most recent move, this time ending up in Stoke, where he must have mistakenly gotten off the train or something. As if he wasn’t skinny and dorky as hell already, he celebrated his 100th Premier League goal by poorly executing the worst dance celebration of all time. Here, watch it.

Frightening as it is, it’s not the first time he’s performed the “robot”, or as it should be called, “the top half of that robot is severely malfunctioning”; here is a compilation, since of course there is one.

Loyalty and rhythm appear to be missing from the Crouch gene pool.

Yet, it’s not the only thing Peter missed.

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